It's all about story, characters, and Star Trek 

Dear Dayton:

It’s pretty evident the Zombie Apocalypse is coming. Most of us may end up Zombie Chow, but a few will survive to reclaim the planet. What suggestions do you have for to prepare us for the inevitable? Thank you!

Signed, Accepting No Substitutes since 2011

So, let me see if I can paint the proper picture: It’s the end of the world as we know it. There’s no more room in Hell—or Walmart, or the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (screw those pricks; that’s what you get for leaving Rush hanging all these years)—so the dead now roam the Earth. Those who planned ahead for catastrophe are prepared for the initial chaos and panic, while everyone else scrambles even for the barest essentials in their struggle to survive what surely will be dark times. We’d like to think that the innate desire for preservation as well as to seek security in the company of our fellow humans will foster a cooperative spirit sufficient to overcome the trials that lie ahead, as we work together to fend off the zombie hordes we all know are coming.

What would I do? Well, I’m already way ahead of you. At an undisclosed location, I’ve got my Underground Doomsday Shelter all set to go. Food. Water. Fuel. Radios. Guns and ammo. Mountain Dew. Beef jerky. Yoo-hoo. All the Star Trek TV episodes and movies on DVD or Blu-ray. The whole thing is surrounded by motion sensors, barbed wire, and Claymore mines. Bring it on, you undead sons a’ bitches; I’m ready for you.

Meanwhile, here you are…seeking advice on surviving the Zombie Apocalypse by writing to some bonehead who every week smart-asses his way through a segment of some internet radio talk show.

Wow. Are you screwed.

I suppose you could follow my example, and set yourself up in similar fashion, but you’re probably already too late to make any sort of comprehensive preparation worthwhile. My zombie-proof shelter has been years in the making, requiring uncounted man-hours an untold amounts of money to fit out. Do you have the kind of time and resources needed for such an effort? Somehow I doubt it.

At this point, you’ve probably got two choices: Throw yourself on the mercy of your fellow survivors, and hope they need an extra hand to stand guard, keep the fire going, dig latrines, or just be the one to outrun in the event your group’s being chased by a mob of zombies.

I suppose you could be proactive, do the other survivors a favor, and just start marinating yourself in barbecue sauce right now. You don’t hear about this kind of thing very often, but check this: Zombies love barbecue sauce. True story.

Or, you can join me in my Underground Doomsday Shelter. I’m down with the whole “pull together in times of strife, so that we all might survive” thing.

Um…how fast can you run?