Ask Dayton 107 – Pumpkin Spice Is the New Black
So pumpkin spice, it’s everyfuckingwhere. Every. Where. What the hell is this shit? What will it be after Halloween this year? WHY DO THEY DO THIS TO US? What is the over saturation mentality all about?
Please Dayton, help me to understand!!!!
So, it’s not just me?
I swear, I’m fairly certain I’d never even heard the term “pumpkin spice” used in any context prior to a few years ago, leading me to conclude that it probably was yet another fucking hipster thing designed to bring about the eventual fall of decent civilization.
I’m not against pumpkins, per se. I like a decent pumpkin pie as much as the next person, though I’ll happily admit it doesn’t necessarily have to be in the starting lineup for any holiday desert offerings. Beyond that? I don’t really give too much of a damn about pumpkins, except maybe for those pumpkin shaped candies they sell every Halloween, which are really nothing more than 8-balls of flavored sugar. I was content to live my life this way, but then the world shifted around me.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Seriously. What in the name of Jupiter’s Uncut Cock are we supposed to do with this shit? Sprinkle it on our cereal? Smoke it? Put a pinch between our cheek and gums? Apply it to our junk before sex? Even the people on Arrakis weren’t as wrapped around the fucking axle about spice as we seem to be down here on little old Earth. I mean, get a damned grip, people.
Okay, so a little Googling tells me that the pumpkin spice craze was we currently know it can apparently be traced back to the “Pumpkin Spice Latte” introduced in 2003 by Starbucks. That should tell you everything you need to know about how we’re all fucking doomed, right there. It also explains why I have no real experience with this phenomenon, because you’ve got a better chance of finding me front row center at a Justin Bieber concert than inside a Starbucks.
Now, however, pumpkin spice is everywhere. Nevermind that pumpkin by itself as a flavor doesn’t really do all that much for me. It’s only when you start to mix in stuff like cinnamon, nutmeg, and so on that it begins to taste like what we’re now seeing infused into fucking everything. I mean we’ve got bagels. We’ve got Pringles potato chips. Oreos. Body lotions, deodorants, shampoos, and shower gels. Fucking dog treats. There’s even a pumpkin pie flavored vodka, which is just heinous beyond even my ability to articulate via the written or spoken word.
Mommy, make it stop.
As for what happens to this shit after Halloween? If you’re thinking it just disappears on November 1st, then that is some seriously fucked-up wishful thinking you’ve got going on there, my dear question-poser. Pumpkin spice isn’t going anywhere until at least January, because as we first-world trendoids tend to do, we will squeeze every last drop out of this particular marketing ploy long after fall has given way to winter. We’ll start to see it roll out next year right around the same time we’re subjected to the annual unpacking of the Christmas and other holiday decorations, which by my calendar should start happening on or about July 17th.
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He is the co-owner of Busy Little Beaver Productions and is the producer and co-host for G & T Show and Gates of Sto’vo’kor. He’s directed voice actors, and produced and edited audio podcasts and dramas because he doesn’t have the face for video. He plays well with others and is always on the look out for the next project, the next thing, the next next. If he wasn’t working on something with a half dozen other projects waiting in the wings, somebody please check to make sure he’s still breathing.
During the day, he’s a mild-mannered computer repair man who dabbles in web design in his small, rural, Central California community. He lives with his lovingly dysfunctional family and loyal canine companion and spends most of his time in the closet concocting some hair-brained scheme or another. He’s got an unhealthy obsession with Lego video games, Klingons, and Star Trek Online that borders on the neurotic.
Despite all this, he still finds the time to write the words. Find out what he's doing here.
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