Ask Dayton 34 – Boot Knockin’ On A Starship
Dear Dayton: Not too long ago Terilynn tweeted something like “What Trekkie hasn’t thought of doing it in the captain’s chair?”
I, apparently am one of the Trekkies [that hasn’t], but since I’m a big fan of the “Ask Dayton,” that spurred me to write in and ask, where would Dayton want to “do it” in a starship? In the captain’s chair? In engineering next to the soft glow of the warp engine? On the feeding table that’s in the mess hall of a Klingon ship? Or in the cold corridors of a Breen ship?
Where would it be Dayton? I’m sure all of the listeners would like to know!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back.
I knew it couldn’t last. The past few weeks have brought with them a collection of thought-provoking questions on several interesting topics. We’ve discussed what makes for good characters in stories, some of my favorite (and not-so favorite) convention memories, the pros and cons of having kids aboard starships, and even the idea of writing for Star Trek video games.
But, I knew that eventually…inevitably, even…the faithful G&T Show listeners wouldn’t let me down, and we’d be back to our bread-and-butter topics before too long. Don’t ever change, G&T Show audience: I love you just the way you are.
So….boot-knockin’ on a starship, eh? Well, all-righty, then. Before we go any further, though, there’s one item of business that needs addressing. What’s this about Terilynn wanting to do it in the captain’s chair? Are we talking original series or one of those NextGen-era reclino-trons? Are there pictures somewhere of her posed provocatively upon this most iconic of leadership pedestals? If so, why aren’t such photos more widely available? SOMEBODY ANSWER ME, GODDAMMIT!
:: Ahem. ::
Let’s get on with this, you buncha pervs. Where on a starship would I most want to “record another entry in the ol’ Captain’s bedpost log?” To be honest, I’ve never given such things a lot of thought, what with starships not being real and shit. I suppose the holodeck’s an easy answer, right? Just cue up the “Roman Orgy” program and make sure you’re hydrated. For variation, these other scenarios from the computer menu also look interesting:
- Kobayashi Maru – Starfleet Academy’s toughest command test also is the backdrop for some of the most lurid tales in the long history of that renowned institution. Wanna know the REAL Picard Maneuver? Run the program and be ready to take notes.
- Rock Star Groupies Private Party: This one seems self-explanatory. For the record, though, I’d play the reclusive drummer and lead lyricist, who often avoids the attention of even the most passionate and determined fans, until that one fateful night after a concert on Cestus III….
- First Contact On the Planet of Time-Displaced Porn Stars: Marilyn Chambers, Christy Canyon and Jenna Jameson, all in their prime at the same time? Whoever wrote this program is a FUCKING GENIUS.
But, we seem to be off in the weeds again…..
As I said, the holodeck’s just too easy an answer. If you want a challenge, try the diagnostic beds in sickbay. You can make a game out of it, seeing how the medical scanners and monitors react to you and your partner doing your thing. Bonus Points if you can make the computer think you’re just conducting your regular physical, or if you’ve somehow morphed into a completely different life form, or if it just gives up because it’s never recorded readings like this ever before. Yo, Norman! Coordinate some of that action, whydontcha.
Oh, hey! What about a Jefferies Tube? Insert your own joke here, before you get to inserting whatever into wherever with whomever. The thrill of getting caught could, I suppose, add some spice, but if that’s your kink, then nothing beats the turbolift. That’s right, Star Trek’s answer to that subway scene from Risky Business is right here, begging to be exploited. You can even tell the computer to pipe “In the Air Tonight” through the intercom while you and your hookup are busy…you know…re-crystallizing your dilithium.
And, of course, there’s the captain’s chair. Just be sure you don’t hit the wrong button with your ass or whatever, and eject the ion pod before there’s a red alert, if you know what I mean.
All right, you loveably twisted deviants, you. If this doesn’t trigger a discussion after Nick’s finished reading it, to include compiling a list of suggestions from the listeners, them I’m going to wonder about my possibly misplaced faith in the depravity of the G&T Show audience.
Good day to you, ladies and gents. I SAID GOOD DAY!
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He is the co-owner of Busy Little Beaver Productions and is the producer and co-host for G & T Show and Gates of Sto’vo’kor. He’s directed voice actors, and produced and edited audio podcasts and dramas because he doesn’t have the face for video. He plays well with others and is always on the look out for the next project, the next thing, the next next. If he wasn’t working on something with a half dozen other projects waiting in the wings, somebody please check to make sure he’s still breathing.
During the day, he’s a mild-mannered computer repair man who dabbles in web design in his small, rural, Central California community. He lives with his lovingly dysfunctional family and loyal canine companion and spends most of his time in the closet concocting some hair-brained scheme or another. He’s got an unhealthy obsession with Lego video games, Klingons, and Star Trek Online that borders on the neurotic.
Despite all this, he still finds the time to write the words. Find out what he's doing here.