Ask Dayton 4 – Extended Service Plans
Question: I wanted to ask your advice about something. I have been married to a wonderful woman for the past 17 years. And although our sex life is still incredible, I find it difficult to maintain the sex drive that I have had in the past. I have thought about seeking pharmaceutical remedies, but am quite frankly a bit embarrassed. The other day, I drove down to the local Walgreens when someone I knew was coming out of the door, so I hid behind my parked car. It was at that time I noticed a small pool of fluid coming from under the engine. Since the car is no longer warrantied, do you recommend that I take it back to the dealership for repair, or do you feel that a Minute Lube might be able to diagnose the problem more inexpensively?
Oh, so it’s gonna be like that, huh?
Fine. You asked for it.
Let me get this straight: You’ve been married to your wife for 17 years, she still wants to have regular sex with you even after all that time, and you’re complaining?
On behalf of the Y chromosome, I have to ask: WHAT. THE. FUCK?
What I should do is tell you to turn your Man Card over to Terry so she can shred it before setting you up with a subscription to Cosmo. You, sir, are squandering a very rare, very beautiful thing. It’s to be treasured, nurtured, and worshipped at every opportunity.
You have a responsibility here to uphold the hopes and dreams of all those less-fortunate men out there. We’re talking about those poor bastards who have to schedule boot-knockin’ on a calendar taped to the headboard, all the while hoping and praying that a sick kid or funeral doesn’t derail the carnal agenda, leaving them high and dry and forced to Adjust Their Own Antenna for yet another month.
Something tells me this isn’t you, though. If she’s still molesting you after 17 years, then you’ve obviously got something going on under the hood. Or the covers. Or whatever. You must have honed some of those mad skillz in all that time—you know, “cunning linguistics” and so on and so forth….don’t make me draw you a picture. If not, she would’ve kicked you to the curb years ago. So, you’ve got that going for you. Therefore, “when the time is right for you and your partner” and after that initial skirmish, exploit these other tactical advantages to the fullest possible extent while you wait for your troops to rally. Know what I’m sayin’? This is a long campaign, so pace yourself. Drink more water, boost the Vitamin E and Zinc in your diet, cut back on the chicken wings and booze, and get back in the fight, soldier! Take care of your
business, and make us proud!
Oh, and that thing with the car? You were at a Walgreens, dude. Modern consumerism being what it is, there’s probably an Auto-Zone or Midas within spitting distance. Leave the car with them. They’ll call you when it’s ready. On the other hand, I applaud you for not getting suckered into paying for the “extended service plan” or whatever the hell they call that attempted jacking of the extra six or eight hundred bucks from your wallet when you buy a new car. There may be hope for you. In the meantime….get your ass home and take care of your business!
(In the unlikely event you were seeking actual, honest assistance with real issues you’re facing….well, um….tough. That’s what you get for bringing this stuff to an internet radio show devoted to a computer game and books nobody reads.)
But, wait. There’s more.
He is the co-owner of Busy Little Beaver Productions and is the producer and co-host for G & T Show and Gates of Sto’vo’kor. He’s directed voice actors, and produced and edited audio podcasts and dramas because he doesn’t have the face for video. He plays well with others and is always on the look out for the next project, the next thing, the next next. If he wasn’t working on something with a half dozen other projects waiting in the wings, somebody please check to make sure he’s still breathing.
During the day, he’s a mild-mannered computer repair man who dabbles in web design in his small, rural, Central California community. He lives with his lovingly dysfunctional family and loyal canine companion and spends most of his time in the closet concocting some hair-brained scheme or another. He’s got an unhealthy obsession with Lego video games, Klingons, and Star Trek Online that borders on the neurotic.
Despite all this, he still finds the time to write the words. Find out what he's doing here.
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