Ask Dayton 41 – The Proper Usage of Dayton
Dear Dayton: With the recent news that words like “f-bomb” and “sexting” are to be added to the Oxford English Dictionary, are there any words you’d like to see added, removed or simply amended? Would you prefer forever immortalized as a verb, a noun or even an adjective?
Secondly, when will the executives at CBS finally come to their sense and green-light the “Ensign Nick Minecci, Zombie Redshirt” book series? How long till loyal G&T show listeners get to enjoy the thrilling tails of Nick chomping down of Teri’s brain and all the Lovecraftian hijinks?
English. It sure is some kinda bitch, ain’t it?
All languages evolve over time (unless you’re…you know…Galindian or something), and English certainly is no exception. So, as we schlep along we’re sometimes going to be faced with the odd enhancement to this slapdash, epileptic, hodgepodge collection of grunts and other noises which we use to communicate with each other. Some of your more hardcore types object whenever a particularly controversial word is added to the lexicon, claiming some need to defend the honor or purity of the language. However, as James Nicoll once said:
“The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.”
Now, regarding the addition of “f-bomb” and “sexting” to the dictionary, these aren’t even the worst offenders, if you ask me. After all, this is also the year that “lolz” gets the nod. That’s right. Actual text-ese verbiage has entered common oral discourse. Fuck us. Fuck as a species right in the face with the blunt end of a Louisville Slugger.
Okay, okay. Even though I’m liable to crack a joke at some of the weirder choices for new word additions, I really do tend not to get too excited about such things. Words are tools, after all; some I’ll use, some I won’t. Some I’ll use correctly, and others I’ll mangle and pervert to my own twisted purposes. Why? Because my grasp of countless grammatical nuances permeating the English language is about as solid as a bowel movement after you’ve gone to Taco Bueno to curb your post-pub crawl munchies.
Do I have any words I’d personally like to see added to the dictionary? One of my personal favorites is “Pezhead.” It’s a wonderful little descriptor for those situations when calling someone “Dickcheese” or “Fuckstick” might not be appropriate. Know what I’m sayin’?
Another favorite, for which I cannot take credit but would love to see gain greater usage? “Twatwaffle.” Its original employment was as a noun, to describe a rather unpleasant douche nozzle a friend of mine endured one day at work. Upon hearing it, I claimed it as my own, reveling in its glory and the wondrous uses to which it could be put. For future reference, if I call you a twatwaffle and you’re unsure as to what I might mean, I rank twatwaffles three levels below cockpimples on my pyramid of annoying people.
As for making “Dayton” a word in its own right…you know, beyond it being a city in Ohio and stuff…I don’t know that this would work. I mean, let’s be real: the name just doesn’t have the zing or pizzazz of other names, right? No, no, I can admit it. There’s just not enough punch to it to make it a verb, which is where you’d think it’d best fit. On the other hand, it might be cool if used in some other, unconventional fashion. For example:
“He’s got Tigerman on the ropes, bouncing his head off the turnbuckle, and NOW HE’S GOT HIM IN A DAYTON! IT’S ALL OVER, FOLKS! GAME OVER!”
“He’s choking on that chicken finger! His face is turning blue! Somebody administer the Dayton!”
“She was already heating up pretty good by this point, but then I gave her the Dayton and she went nuts. Best ride in the whole fuckin’ park, dude!”
:: Ahem. ::
Now, as for this business about Ensign Nick, Zombie Redshirt getting his own book series, I have to tell you that this has about as much chance of happening as seeing a remake of Red Dawn. Wait…bad example. This has about as much chance of happening as a politician saying something stupid. Okay, back up. That’s no good, either. This has about as much chance of happening as a reboot of The Brady Bunch.
Shit. I guess I better start writing.
But, wait. There’s more.
He is the co-owner of Busy Little Beaver Productions and is the producer and co-host for G & T Show and Gates of Sto’vo’kor. He’s directed voice actors, and produced and edited audio podcasts and dramas because he doesn’t have the face for video. He plays well with others and is always on the look out for the next project, the next thing, the next next. If he wasn’t working on something with a half dozen other projects waiting in the wings, somebody please check to make sure he’s still breathing.
During the day, he’s a mild-mannered computer repair man who dabbles in web design in his small, rural, Central California community. He lives with his lovingly dysfunctional family and loyal canine companion and spends most of his time in the closet concocting some hair-brained scheme or another. He’s got an unhealthy obsession with Lego video games, Klingons, and Star Trek Online that borders on the neurotic.
Despite all this, he still finds the time to write the words. Find out what he's doing here.
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