Ask Dayton 45 – Welcome to Daytonis
Dear Mr. Magnificent Dayton: You are so magnificent that one person cannot contain the Awesome. So if Dayton Ward was no longer just a person but was an entire nation (the only true way to contain the awesome), what would be this nation’s name? What type of government would it have, and what would the life of a random citizen in it, let’s say a Nick Minecci or a Terry Lynn Shull, be like?
Have I brown-nosed enough yet? I hope so!
Wow. It’s amazing how someone can be so incredibly ingratiating and yet betray themselves as something less than a true, totally devoted follower of the Ways of Dayton™ as presented right here every week on the G&T Show.
Was it really so long ago that a loyal listener proclaimed me “The Most Awesome Man in the World,” a distinction with which I take absolutely no issue? I guess so. With that, I also figure you must have missed how I elaborated for that faithful audience member all the ways in which I am and remain The Most Awesome Man In the World and Indeed the Universe, all while offering a bit of insight into the burden I endure by being so Awesome. See what happens when you don’t pay attention?
So, now that we’ve reiterated that I am, by golly, The Most Awesome Man In the World and Indeed the Universe, the idea that I might be contained within a single parcel of land, no matter how expansive or opulent in its appointments, seems rather silly, does it not? Of course it does, but for the sake of argument, I’ll meet you part of the way. Rather than “being an entire nation,” let’s instead postulate that I assume corporeal form long enough to make a happenin’ real estate acquisition. I guess I’d take over one of those nice juicy islands in the South Pacific, with lush forests, beautiful blue water, fine white sandy beaches, favorable weather year-round, and tasty rum drinks brought to me by tanned, nekkid waitresses who also can keep me up to date on all the scores.
“Yes. Yes! This is a fertile land and we will thrive! We will rule over all this land, and we will call it….this land Daytonis!”
(Note: Pronunciation Guide for Nick – “Day – TONE – iss.”)
And what would an empire as grand and powerful as Daytonis be like? Well, think of the Roman Empire in its heyday: rich architecture, unrivaled engineering, unwavering devotion to the arts, widespread prosperity, lots of nubile women with loose morals and ample free time, and gladiatorial games for public amusement, featuring as combatants all the people who piss me off. Trust me, it’s a long list. We won’t be bored.
Now, do away with all the slavery. Add equal rights for all, along with electricity, indoor plumbing, and WiFi. Also, two-for-one pitcher nights during football season.
Life would be pretty decent for anyone fortunate enough to call Daytonis home. There would be equal opportunity to achieve success, along with compassion and common sense leadership from a government answerable to none but the people who elect it. Corporations would not be people, my friend. I would create an army of robots to handle law enforcement, and they’d all look like the lady cyborg from Terminator 3, while carrying their own hand-cannons concealed in their upper legs, Robocop-style.
And since you specifically asked after them, what of Terry and Nick? Well, Terry would be my most-trusted counsel, sort of like Miss Teschmacher from the first two Superman movies, but not nearly so vapid or useless. Indeed, as the job of being Awesome All the Time just takes so much out of me, I will leave the responsibilities of running Daytonis in Miss Terry’s oh-so capable hands. Can she handle such arduous duties? Of course she can. Anybody who listens to this show knows how it drives right into the ditch whenever she’s not around. Compared to keeping the G&T Show on track, running Daytonis would be a cakewalk.
That said, there’s no way we’re ditching Valerie Perrine’s wardrobe from those Superman flicks. Why? Two words: SPECTACULAR. RACK.
:: Ahem. ::
As for Nick? He’d be another trusted aide, of course. I need someone to run security, for one thing, as well as make the music selections. No, he would not be Otis to my Lex Luthor. I mean, let’s be real: we all know Otis doesn’t have the legs to make a skant work. I’d probably have to keep Nick on a pretty tight leash, though, lest he use the newfound power and resources I’d give him to go and open a high-end strip club at the edge of town. I’m not against such things, you understand, but there’s a certain standard and aesthetic I’d expect to be observed, particularly along that stretch of ocean front property where I’d be building all those swank resorts. You know, Costa Del Dayton, Wardville, Marina del Dayton…Nicksburg?
Yeah, that wouldn’t work.
Yes, Nick, I know Miss Terry would have her own place, but…Nicksburg? Yeah, get that off of there.
So, welcome to Daytonis. Don’t drink my booze. Keep it clean, and keep it Awesome.
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But, wait. There’s more.
He is the co-owner of Busy Little Beaver Productions and is the producer and co-host for G & T Show and Gates of Sto’vo’kor. He’s directed voice actors, and produced and edited audio podcasts and dramas because he doesn’t have the face for video. He plays well with others and is always on the look out for the next project, the next thing, the next next. If he wasn’t working on something with a half dozen other projects waiting in the wings, somebody please check to make sure he’s still breathing.
During the day, he’s a mild-mannered computer repair man who dabbles in web design in his small, rural, Central California community. He lives with his lovingly dysfunctional family and loyal canine companion and spends most of his time in the closet concocting some hair-brained scheme or another. He’s got an unhealthy obsession with Lego video games, Klingons, and Star Trek Online that borders on the neurotic.
Despite all this, he still finds the time to write the words. Find out what he's doing here.
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