Ask Dayton 49 – Dayton’s Greatest Fears
Dear Dayton: With Halloween fast approaching, eager G&T show listeners have a few burning questions: What scares the bejeezus outta Dayton Ward? What haunts his nightmares? And what are his favorite horror stories or movies?
I do loves me the occasional horror flick, everything from B-movie creature features to stuff like Friday the 13th or zombie movies. Stuff like The Thing, Alien, or Jaws also work, though none of those really get classified as “horror” films. I also like movies that turn the horror genre on its ear a bit, like The Return of the Living Dead, the first Scream, Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland, Piranha or The Cabin in the Woods. And of course, I do dig The Walking Dead, both the comic and the TV show.
As for what scares me in real life? Well, if we’re talking about Halloween specifically, I suppose one thing that frightens me is the possibility of my daughters coming home with lame-assed candy. Listen up, you people handing out treats: Sweet Tarts suck. Candy corn sucks. Starburst sucks, especially if you’re only giving out one or two at a time. It’s about chocolate, you stingy pricks. Snickers. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Heath bars. Did I say Snickers? Yeah, and not those little bite-size things, either. Go big or stay the fuck out of the game, got it?
What else scares me? Very little, really. I mean, I suppose the same sorts of mundane, everyday things that might keep anybody else up at night. Losing my job and wondering how I’ll provide for my family, having my wife or one of my daughters or anyone else in my family injured or worse, that sort of thing. Do I think about getting in some kind of major car accident? I suppose I do that in a sense, as I’ve increased my awareness tenfold since the kids came along. I do worry that if some asshole plows into me while I’ve got the kids in the car, I won’t have time to kill his ass and bury his body before the cops show up.
And to be honest, I do have a few primitive fears that assert themselves on occasion. I loathe snakes, for example, and if I happen across one in the yard while I’m mowing or something? You will be able to see light bend as I run the other way. I’m not a big fan of heights, either, but in reality it’s more a fear of falling than the actual “being way the fuck up there” part. If I know I can’t fall, I’m cool, but otherwise? Yeah, I can get a bit squeamish. Actually, the more I think about it, the fall isn’t what bothers me so much as that sudden stop at the end.
Do I worry about other, less likely events such as people breaking into my house, or terrorists blowing up the airport while the TSA checkpoint dude is giving me a hand job and taking away my shaving cream? Not really. Do I spin elaborate scenarios in my head about the plane crashing, or when I’m about to take that first plunge on one of those roller coasters which are advertised with such catchy slogans as “The ShitYourPants-inator?” Nope.
Anything else? Well, I keep worrying that people are going to continue to employ Uwe Boll and Rob Zombie to make movies. And while we’re on the subject of keeping hacks at work, I do wonder how much longer I can skate by before someone at Pocket Books wakes up and asks the fateful question, “Why is Dayton Ward receiving anything from us that’s not a damned restraining order?” I’m also haunted by the thought that someone, somewhere, someday, will decide that a remake of The Great Escape is necessary, and that it can only work if it stars one of those dickbags from the Twilight movies in Steve McQueen’s role. FUCK. THAT.
But if you want to know what really frightens me? What is the one single thing that keeps me lying awake at night in a cold sweat, with the taut hand of fear clutching my very heart in its unyielding grasp? That one day in the future—not the near future but not so far off as I’d like to believe–I’ll be sitting on the can at the retirement village after having been assisted there by my full-time care provider (who, I should add, looks like a Russian beet farmer, rather than the Victoria’s Secret model I think I’m fucking entitled to at this stage of life). I’ll be trying to pass the cement block that’s lodged itself in my lower intestine because I’m still not getting enough fucking bran in my fucking diet, and the little ping from my computer lets me know I’ve got e-Mail. Leaning forward as far as I can without face-planting on my bathroom floor, I’ll just be able to make out the subject line of the newly received message:
“G&T Show: Ask Dayton #4,738.”
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He is the co-owner of Busy Little Beaver Productions and is the producer and co-host for G & T Show and Gates of Sto’vo’kor. He’s directed voice actors, and produced and edited audio podcasts and dramas because he doesn’t have the face for video. He plays well with others and is always on the look out for the next project, the next thing, the next next. If he wasn’t working on something with a half dozen other projects waiting in the wings, somebody please check to make sure he’s still breathing.
During the day, he’s a mild-mannered computer repair man who dabbles in web design in his small, rural, Central California community. He lives with his lovingly dysfunctional family and loyal canine companion and spends most of his time in the closet concocting some hair-brained scheme or another. He’s got an unhealthy obsession with Lego video games, Klingons, and Star Trek Online that borders on the neurotic.
Despite all this, he still finds the time to write the words. Find out what he's doing here.
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