Ask Dayton 58 – Dayton’s Pick Up Lines
To start the New Year, help the lovelorn: What are the best and worst pickup lines you’ve come across?
You Brought This On Yourself
Is this there really such a thing as a good pickup line? I mean, I like to think that no woman is so stupid or shallow that she might fall for a simple zinger offered up by some bar hound holding a Corona in one hand and his blue balls in the other. I hold out hope that even while searching for what might well end up being a meaningless hookup, women’s standards are high enough so as to not allow some douche nozzle taking dating tips from Barney Stinson or one of those jerkoffs from Jersey Shore.
Also, pickup lines really are just a guy thing, aren’t they? I mean, you generally don’t see some chick walk up to a dude at a club and say something like, “Hey, we’re out of nuts at our table. Can I have yours?” I’m not talking about flirting. That’s a distinctly separate behavior, and women are way, way better at that than men.
So, that leaves us with the sort of meat market lingo over which dudes reign supreme. Granted, my expertise in this area is rather limited, owing to my being married to the same woman for over twenty years. I’m therefore immunized from the need to throw myself on the mercy of some chick in a bar. Still, I’ve been around long enough to witness firsthand some of the more egregious examples of dudes embarrassing themselves to the point that the women likely discussed the pros and cons of genetically engineering the elimination of the Y-chromosome from human existence. With that in mind, here are a few examples of pickup lines to avoid:
First, references to your own dick are bad form—at least in this, the opening salvo. This goes double for those of you attempting to assign to your member any sort of charm or personality, or offering size comparisons as a means of facilitating conversation. And since we’re here? Let’s take off the table anything involving ventriloquism. Put it this way: Unless your crank is double jointed and capable of snatching peanuts from the bar and shoving them up your own ass, and doing it while singing Depeche Mode’s “Just Can’t Get Enough” with your balls providing the synthesizer accompaniment, then the lady’s likely to be unimpressed.
(NOTE: If you do meet these qualifications, I’d like to hire you if ever I finally decide to send a singing telegram to my employer letting him know I’m quitting my job.)
As for making any references or observations about her anatomy, I advise caution in this area, as well. Making a comment about her eyes might be corny, but it likely won’t get you punched in the onions the same way a line about other areas might. For example, remarking that “she must be from another planet because her ass is out of this world” should earn you a stiletto to the nutbag, not just because it’s rude but it’s also a line that’s so old that it’s been getting its own prostate exam since Carter was president. And if talking about her caboose is a bad move, then walking up behind her, smacking her on the ass and telling her, “Okay, you’re next” is definitely not a smart idea. For one thing, there’s a degree of difficulty here that makes it a tactic advisable only for trained professionals. Unless you can produce the membership card and secret handshake, you’re not that person, and trying this trick without the proper certification will get you tossed into the back alley by a couple of bouncers, after which you will be mugged and beaten by a pack of rabid Cub Scouts wielding Cricket bats.
For every desperate would-be lothario fumbling about out there, hoping against hope that he leaves the club with anyone besides Rosy Palmer and her five sisters, there are a dozen sad, pathetic pickup lines which only serve to send these losers home dejected, broke, and consigned to yet another five knuckle shuffle before crying themselves to sleep.
We could spend all day listing the worst offenders, but I believe that you, the vaunted G&T Show audience, deserve better than that. You deserve only the most lurid examples of this odd behavior which seems to be the sole domain of the male of our species. With that in mind, I have sent my trusty minions into the wilds of the internet on a quest to assemble a fitting collection of the most dismal, depressing opening lines ever to be uttered aloud by what might well be direct descendants of the missing link in our evolutionary chain.
So, sit back, buckle up, and brace yourselves. Take it away, Mike!
And there you have it folks.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go smack my wife on the ass. That’s right, I’m a professional.
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He is the co-owner of Busy Little Beaver Productions and is the producer and co-host for G & T Show and Gates of Sto’vo’kor. He’s directed voice actors, and produced and edited audio podcasts and dramas because he doesn’t have the face for video. He plays well with others and is always on the look out for the next project, the next thing, the next next. If he wasn’t working on something with a half dozen other projects waiting in the wings, somebody please check to make sure he’s still breathing.
During the day, he’s a mild-mannered computer repair man who dabbles in web design in his small, rural, Central California community. He lives with his lovingly dysfunctional family and loyal canine companion and spends most of his time in the closet concocting some hair-brained scheme or another. He’s got an unhealthy obsession with Lego video games, Klingons, and Star Trek Online that borders on the neurotic.
Despite all this, he still finds the time to write the words. Find out what he's doing here.
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