Ask Dayton 72 – The Spock Vs. Picard Debate
The “who would win in a fight” question has been asked many times before. Star Trek versus Star Wars. Hal versus Commander Adama. Lock boxes versus our wallets. In any case, the question is a bit tired. Instead, I present to you the new and improved version, “Who would win in an argument?”
That’s right; Star Trek has always been about solving problems with words as well as phasers, lasers, disruptors, bat’leths, or muskets. Don’t ask me about the muskets; I don’t understand it, either.
Back on topic, the first pairing I present to you is (drum roll please): Who would win in an argument, Spock or Picard? That’s right, two of the greatest minds in the Trek universe. What happens when the Vulcan’s unflappable logic goes head to head with the passion for knowledge and profound respect towards all life of the bald man?
Just for reference, their little tiff in “Unification” doesn’t count. That was just foreplay.
If that little scenario doesn’t provide enough meat for you, then here’s a back up. As a counterpoint to the epic clash proposed above, I suggest a battle of the two slowest witted main characters that ever shamed Gene’s vision with their presence. That’s right, I’m talking about Mr. “go ahead and stand in front of this cave” Neelix debating against Charles “how I shuttle pod?” Tucker III. In this case, we do not so much judge the winner as try and determine who lost the hardest.
Oh, and PS, we have to talk with Nick about this Donatra thing he has going. Someone has to tell him that she wasn’t actually very cool, and that there are way better Romulans out there.
Holy shit, dude.
Was there some kind of contest I missed, calling for the longest, most directionless, meandering stream-of-consciousness query one could submit, in the hopes of making poor Nick pass out from lockjaw and oxygen deprivation before he even gets to reading my actual answer?
I suppose we should get this part out of the way, first: Regarding Nick’s fixation with Donatra, I’ll admit that one’s bothered me a bit. Dina Meyer the actress is smoking hot, but her getup in Star Trek Nemesis made her look like Marv Albert wearing a Technicolor muumuu. Dressed like that, she could be a bouncer at a Dance Dance Revolution marathon.
All right, then. Moving on.
Hal versus Commander Adama? Hal the computer against Commander Bill “I fucking hate computers” Adama? You know ol’ Husker would just roll a hard six and pull the plug on that bitch, right? End of episode.
So, the contenders for this face-off are “Spock versus Picard.” Now, I think it’s safe to say that Jean-Luc Picard is one sharp cat. He successfully argued that Data, a frappin’ android, is in fact a sentient being, and don’t forget how he hoisted that pompous, douche nozzle Sheliak by his own ball sack. He outwitted a sexy con artist who tried to pose as a god, and he even went toe to toe with the supreme cock pimple known as “Q.” Though he never actually debated the Continuum’s most unruly representative, he did manage to impress the guy a few times with words, actions, and conviction. Q was pretty impressed with our good captain on occasion, wasn’t he?
But, does any of that really compare to the walking, talking tower of Awesome that is Spock?
I mean, this is the dude who for thirty years managed to hang tough with Captain Kirk. Remember, Jimmy T possessed seriously mad skillz when it came to talking computers into shutting themselves off. He also had a nasty habit of beating The Logical One at chess from time to time. Despite all of that, Spock stuck with it and got his licks in here and there. You don’t make it to The Show if you can’t dance, yo.
And hey, how many of you know that Spock actually debated Q, and spanked his all-knowing, all-seeing ass? Check out this little-known, classified chapter of Trek lore: Spock once traveled back through time to 1999, hoping to find a way to warn Earth about an approaching asteroid that threatened the planet. The problem? He had to do it without actually interfering with human history, or getting sued by Michael Bay. Q showed up to ride his ass about that, and then proceeded to engage Spock in a war of words for the ages. Spock, however, totally returned that serve. By the end of it all, Q was babbling like a baby with Red Bull mixed into his formula, and did all Spock’s dirty work for him.
Don’t believe me? You can catch the replay any time you like:
Summary: The first time Spock met Q, our favorite Vulcan tricked him into saving Earth from certain destruction. He totally owned that omnipotent motherfucker.
Meanwhile, the first time Picard met Q, he surrendered. Insert your favorite joke about the French and surrendering anywhere in here.
So, I’m afraid I’m going to have to go with my man Spock on this one.
And there you have it. Now, don’t come back here until you’re ready to explain what the fuck is with the muskets.
Related articles across the web
But, wait. There’s more.
He is the co-owner of Busy Little Beaver Productions and is the producer and co-host for G & T Show and Gates of Sto’vo’kor. He’s directed voice actors, and produced and edited audio podcasts and dramas because he doesn’t have the face for video. He plays well with others and is always on the look out for the next project, the next thing, the next next. If he wasn’t working on something with a half dozen other projects waiting in the wings, somebody please check to make sure he’s still breathing.
During the day, he’s a mild-mannered computer repair man who dabbles in web design in his small, rural, Central California community. He lives with his lovingly dysfunctional family and loyal canine companion and spends most of his time in the closet concocting some hair-brained scheme or another. He’s got an unhealthy obsession with Lego video games, Klingons, and Star Trek Online that borders on the neurotic.
Despite all this, he still finds the time to write the words. Find out what he's doing here.