Ask Dayton 75 – The Tournament of Doctors
So, how was NASA Mr. Big Shot A#1 Cool Guy?
So I was thinking, how would you call the following brackets if this were a cage fight tournament:
Dr. No vs. Dr. Octopus
Dr. Evil vs. Dr. Phil
Dr. Demento vs. Dr. Strange
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew vs. Dr. Doolittle
Dr. Hawkeye Pierce vs. Dr. Spock
“Doctor, My Eyes” by Jackson Browne vs. “Doctor, Doctor” by The Thompson Twins
I look forward to seeing how the Tournament of Doctors is decided!
First, our trip to NASA was phenomenal, thanks very much. You can read a totally too-wordy blow by blow on my blog: The Fog of Ward – “So, About That Houston Trip….”
Okay, so about this “Tournament of Doctors” you want me to construct: It’s a collection of pop culture icons, of course, but I find it rather lacking. I mean, where’s Dr. Shrinker? Dr. Strangelove? Dr. Feelgood? And how can we forget the greatest doctor of them all, the…um…Doctor? I know, I can hear you asking, “Doctor? Doctor who?”
Anyway, I’m a professional, and I cook with whatever ingredients I’m given, so here goes nothing. Behold, yo:
How did I arrive at my selections?
I decided that Dr’s No, Evil, Octopus and Phil were the top seeds in this particular event.
Dr. Demento beats Dr. Strange, because I never liked the Dr. Strange character. Fuck him.
Dr. Honeydew over Dr. Doolittle, because anything associated with Eddie Murphy that’s not Axel Foley deserves to be trounced.
Dr. Pierce beats Dr. Spock, because Hawkeye’s got the better Groucho Marx impersonation. Also, martinis.
“Doctor, My Eyes” wins over “Doctor, Doctor” because, quite frankly, New Wave music makes me want to jam pencils through my ear drums.
Dr. No over Dr. Demento. Death rays, yo.
Dr. Evil beats Dr. Honeydew, but I suspect this match will go the distance. Never underestimate a Muppet, people.
Dr. Octopus over Dr. Pierce, mostly due to that whole “I’ve got mechanical tentacles that can pull your brain out through your asshole,” thing.
Dr. Phil wins over “Doctor, My Eyes” by default, because Jackson Brown would throw himself in front of a bus before having to endure one of those lectures.
Semi Final Round:
Dr. Evil in a surprise upset of Dr. No, thanks to a last-minute bribe of the Death Ray operator. How much did that cost? You guessed it: “One meeeeeelion dollars.”
Dr. Octopus beats Dr. Phil, owing to the aforementioned tentacles. Besides, I think we all can agree that seeing Doc Ock de-brain Dr. Phil via rectal-oscopy is the match for which everyone will be wanting tickets.
Despite another attempt at bribery, the pit crew for Dr. Octopus’ tentacles hates Mike Meyers for what he did to the Austin Powers and Wayne’s World movies, so while they pocket the payoff, Dr. Evil still gets his own shit-stained brain handed to him.
The winner: Dr. Octopus!
But then, Dr. Horrible walks in and stops Dr. Octopus with his Freeze Ray.
And that, ladies and gents, is how we do that.
:: mic drop ::
But, wait. There’s more.
He is the co-owner of Busy Little Beaver Productions and is the producer and co-host for G & T Show and Gates of Sto’vo’kor. He’s directed voice actors, and produced and edited audio podcasts and dramas because he doesn’t have the face for video. He plays well with others and is always on the look out for the next project, the next thing, the next next. If he wasn’t working on something with a half dozen other projects waiting in the wings, somebody please check to make sure he’s still breathing.
During the day, he’s a mild-mannered computer repair man who dabbles in web design in his small, rural, Central California community. He lives with his lovingly dysfunctional family and loyal canine companion and spends most of his time in the closet concocting some hair-brained scheme or another. He’s got an unhealthy obsession with Lego video games, Klingons, and Star Trek Online that borders on the neurotic.
Despite all this, he still finds the time to write the words. Find out what he's doing here.
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