Ask Dayton #80: “English, Mother F**ker! Do You Write It?”
So I hear that there’s a new series of books coming out soon (or have started to come out anyway) and you are one of those honoured writers that are to write about “The Fall”.
My question to you sir is. Will you ever right a book that utilises the proper spelling of words, that is British spelling, aka Commonwealth English.
India is the largest nation and it speaks British English. Not to forget us Aussies and Kiwis down under. It’s just a fact that more people speak the proper queen’s English than that awful deviant language that you Americans call English. So come on… British English yo!
Will I ever write a book that utilizes the “proper” British spelling of words? Sure, I’m going to get right on that…about a week after they cast a Tennessee hillbilly to replace Peter Capaldi as the next Doctor.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I understand that it’s popular to bag on Americans, and I can even admit that there really are a fuck-ton of reasons to dislike us. We’re loud. We’re rude. We’re arrogant. We think we’re the best at everything, when in reality we suck at the things a civilized society would deem important. You know, like how we as a nation seem utterly disinterested in teaching our kids reading, writing, math and science, let alone respect for themselves and their fellow denizens of this rock, human and animal alike.
We’ve got entire generations of people so stupid they can’t wipe their own ass without a smartphone app to guide the way, and to add insult to injury we actually elect some of these morons to public office. Our government is a hopeless train wreck overseen by a cabal of whiny children, every single one of whom is long overdue for a sorely deserved spanking in the public square. And all of this would be fine if we at least had the decency to contain our burgeoning “idiocracy” within our own borders, but we’re hell-bent on exporting our ignorance and apathy to the rest of the world.
So, yeah, I definitely can see why non-Muricans might think we’re a bunch of assholes.
That said, railing against our apparent collective disdain for the letter “U” (except when it’s preceded by “Fuck”) and our fetish for the letter “Z” when “S” seems to do well enough, seems like a waste of time and energy better spent elsewhere. Why not take issue with the chilled monkey piss we have the nerve to call “beer,” or that we seem to love slathering everything we eat with ketchup or barbecue sauce as though operating under the misguided notion that if we use enough of that stuff, our arteries won’t harden to the point that are hearts detonate like a neutron bomb by the time we’re fifty? Of all the things for which you’d be wholly justified in coming down on us, you’re going to get your panties bunched because we spell things differently than other folks? I guess it doesn’t matter that (according to a 2007 study) only about two percent of the people actually living in the UK use what is commonly referred to as “the Queen’s English,” but we Yanks all the way over here should just go along to get along, yadda yadda yadda?
Didn’t we fight a revolution to get away from shit like that?
Hang on, let me think…yeah. Back in the day, the colonies basically gave Great Britain the big old finger, provided GPS coordinates straight to Hell, and told the King to not let the door hit him in the ass on his way out. Let’s see, we wanted to be free from religious oppression, restraint of trade and aristocratic bullshit, we didn’t want to pay taxes without proper governmental representation, and…yep, here it is at the bottom of the list: We wanted the freedom to spell words without a bunch of unnecessary vowels if we damned well felt like it.
America: Fuck Yeah.
That said, and in the interests of fostering international goodwill, I’m not totally disagreeable to the notion of somehow learning to write my books in “another” language. I’m not saying it’ll be a cakewalk, particularly when you consider that I currently possess a fair to middling grasp of only two languages: English and Profane English. Taking on another linguistic challenge isn’t something I’m frothing at the mouth to do, but I figure I’ll get on with making the Queen happy just as soon as I finish my first-person narrative of Kahless the Unforgettable written in the original Klingonese, and my long-awaited sequel to that animated Star Trek episode with the Kzinti, presented all in the language of LOLcats.
No, no…don’t thank me. It’s all part of the service, yo.
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He is the co-owner of Busy Little Beaver Productions and is the producer and co-host for G & T Show and Gates of Sto’vo’kor. He’s directed voice actors, and produced and edited audio podcasts and dramas because he doesn’t have the face for video. He plays well with others and is always on the look out for the next project, the next thing, the next next. If he wasn’t working on something with a half dozen other projects waiting in the wings, somebody please check to make sure he’s still breathing.
During the day, he’s a mild-mannered computer repair man who dabbles in web design in his small, rural, Central California community. He lives with his lovingly dysfunctional family and loyal canine companion and spends most of his time in the closet concocting some hair-brained scheme or another. He’s got an unhealthy obsession with Lego video games, Klingons, and Star Trek Online that borders on the neurotic.
Despite all this, he still finds the time to write the words. Find out what he's doing here.