Ask Dayton #9 – Piss on Cake
Question: Dear Dayton, I love pie. When presented with a choice of cake or pie, I always go with pie. Which do you prefer? You better say pie, or my next question won’t necessarily be applicable. What’s your favorite kind of pie and/or pie recipe?
I can’t believe this is even a question.
Worse, I can’t believe this is a question posed by a member of this audience. What the hell kind of show are you people running here? That you would open your doors to the masses and let just anyone wander in off the street—allowing them to plop down on your couch, eat your snacks, drink your beer, dick up the settings on your stereo and maybe even try to hit on your partner—and the way they repay you is by posing a question which shouldn’t have to be asked in the first damned place? The raw, unmitigated gall of some people.
That sort of thing really burns my ass.
The only thing…THE ONLY THING…saving this chucklehead from oblivion is the fact that he provided the only correct answer to the question.
Of course pie’s the answer. There simply is no comparison.
Cake is something you give to pre-school kids when you want to load them up with sugar before shipping them off to their parents for the night. Cake is undemanding, unrefined, and totally lacking in anything resembling sophistication. There’s a reason you can get something called a “snack cake” from a vending machine, and why it usually comes filled with some kind of flavored goop. There’s also a reason why those disks they drop in the bottom of the pissers in men’s rooms are called a “urinal cakes.”
That’s right. Piss on cake. Piss on all the cakes. Cake sucks.
(Yes, I know that there’s also a snack called a “Moon Pie,” but we will not debate the profound wisdom of that little treasure’s creator at these proceedings.)
Now so far as my favorites? I’m a sucker for a good key lime pie, and during the holiday season an apple or pumpkin pie will definitely get my attention, but my absolute favorite is French silk chocolate pie. A chocolate pie by itself is pretty good, but French silk? That’s a gift handed down from above, and those little chocolate shavings on top of the whipped cream are formed from the very tears of the goddess Aphrodite herself. How good is such a pie? I’d break the commandments, each and every one of them, for the perfect French silk pie.
So………who’s got pie?
Oh, and in closing? Piss on cake. Cake sucks.
But, wait. There’s more.
He is the co-owner of Busy Little Beaver Productions and is the producer and co-host for G & T Show and Gates of Sto’vo’kor. He’s directed voice actors, and produced and edited audio podcasts and dramas because he doesn’t have the face for video. He plays well with others and is always on the look out for the next project, the next thing, the next next. If he wasn’t working on something with a half dozen other projects waiting in the wings, somebody please check to make sure he’s still breathing.
During the day, he’s a mild-mannered computer repair man who dabbles in web design in his small, rural, Central California community. He lives with his lovingly dysfunctional family and loyal canine companion and spends most of his time in the closet concocting some hair-brained scheme or another. He’s got an unhealthy obsession with Lego video games, Klingons, and Star Trek Online that borders on the neurotic.
Despite all this, he still finds the time to write the words. Find out what he's doing here.
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