Ask Dayton – Double-Chuck ArmaGODDAMN!
Question: If you could create the “Ultimate Drink,” a drink that would surpass Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris and Charles Yeager in awesomeness combined, what would happen if you drank it and what would you call it?
Dayton’s reply: Somebody’s trying to pick up some extra credit at night school bartending class, right?
So, a drink that would surpass Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris, and Chuck Yeager in awesomeness combined. Since no known substance can approach any of these men for sheer awesomeness (with the possible exception of bacon, but only if it’s prepared correctly), we must kick this to an entirely new, heretofore unknown and very much disturbing level, and concoct a little something I like to call the Double-Chuck ArmaGODDAMN!
Gather the following ingredients:
- 1 ounce of Chuck Yeager blood. Screw Charlie Sheen. If you want to be bad-ass, this is The Right Stuff.
- 1 ounce of Bruce Willis sweat. No, obtaining this won’t be easy, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy to do, right? Tread carefully, because if you go about this wrong, it’ll be Yippee-Kai-Yay, Mother Fucker.
- 1 ounce of Chuck Norris tears. This one will be especially difficult, as Chuck Norris never cries. He makes you cry. If he makes you cry and you can get Chuck Norris to bless your tears, this will work as an acceptable substitute.
- 1 ounce Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka.
- 1 can Monster Energy Drink (the green M).
- Cubed ice.
To prepare, add the following to your serving glass (FOLLOW STEPS IN THIS PRECISE ORDER. DEVIATE AT YOUR OWN RISK):
- Add ice to your serving glass.
- Add Chuck Yeager blood.
- Add Bruce Willis sweat.
- Add vodka and Monster Energy.
- Add Chuck Norris tears.
- Stand back.
The resulting concoction should, if mixed correctly, release a small to moderate sized lavender mushroom cloud, accompanied by lightning, thunder, and the opening riff to the “Overture” from Rush’s 2112 album. Once the cloud dissipates and any injuries are addressed, the drink is ready for consumption.
Upon consuming the properly-prepared Double-Chuck ArmaGODDAMN!, you can expect the following immediate effects:
- Angels will weep.
- Yankees and Red Sox fans will unite in perfect harmony.
- You will escape the shackles of your corporeal form and soar heavenward, free from the bonds of mortal existence to soar among the stars as a body of enlightened, all-powerful consciousness.
- You also will receive $5 dollars off your next wings purchase at Hooters.
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He is the co-owner of Busy Little Beaver Productions and is the producer and co-host for G & T Show and Gates of Sto’vo’kor. He’s directed voice actors, and produced and edited audio podcasts and dramas because he doesn’t have the face for video. He plays well with others and is always on the look out for the next project, the next thing, the next next. If he wasn’t working on something with a half dozen other projects waiting in the wings, somebody please check to make sure he’s still breathing.
During the day, he’s a mild-mannered computer repair man who dabbles in web design in his small, rural, Central California community. He lives with his lovingly dysfunctional family and loyal canine companion and spends most of his time in the closet concocting some hair-brained scheme or another. He’s got an unhealthy obsession with Lego video games, Klingons, and Star Trek Online that borders on the neurotic.
Despite all this, he still finds the time to write the words. Find out what he's doing here.
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